


Let Me Keep This

by innersanctuaries



Series: NaNoWriMo Short Fics [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 05:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12647301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innersanctuaries/pseuds/innersanctuaries
Summary: If nothing else, nothing at all, let me keep this.





	Let Me Keep This

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably work on the fic I actually planned on doing for this month, but also, smaller fics are calling me! This was a ride, about three hours of hatred, love, then more hatred, love, and tears. I have a love/hate/cry relationship with this one. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I'll be able to work on (AND FINISH!!!!) the long fic I really want to do for NaNoWriMo. That's the one I really want to post! 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys like this one!
> 
> Inspo songs are Hold No Guns, The Ice Is Getting Thinner, and I Will Follow You Into The Dark (yes, again. sue me), all by Death Cab For Cutie!
> 
> song 1: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE42XIiAbn8)
> 
> song 2: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v89cykp97jI)
> 
> song 3: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYTEb7fVdzw)

 

 

 It was difficult, meeting a hunter.

 

 Seeing the brother walk in that first day, all while he was in the middle of mopping the floors, it sent a spike of fear through his heart. It made him want to run, made him want to put a target on his back next.

 

 But when the taller one had walked in, suddenly the other one that had him terrified was completely forgotten. He wanted him, he had his sights set on the scruffy boy with the laughing, bashful eyes. The playful banter, the light pink dusting the kid’s cheeks, he forgot that he was a hunter, just for a second.

 

 Asking him to stay, asking him to go somewhere with him, that hadn’t been in the plan. Actually having fun with him? That definitely hadn’t been in the plan. Somehow, he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Having Sam in bed next to him, a relaxed and goofy smile on his face, it made it impossible for him to even consider regretting any of it.

 

 He saw the mental battle Sam was having, though he wasn’t sure what it was about. There was no regret in his eyes, no anger. No knowledge of who _(what)_ he was in bed with.

 

“What do you think about monsters?”

 

 That was it. He wanted someone to tell, someone to share with. There was no clue as to what his story really was, but there was pain inside of him, too much pain. The kid was hungry, starved of attention, the touch of another person. He may not have been human, but if there was any possibility of taking that pain away from him, even if it were for just a while, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for the kid.

 

 “I think they’re pretty cool. How about you?”

 

“They sound cool in theory, but sometimes I think about what it’d be like if they existed.”

 

 “I think that would probably suck. Sometimes I’m glad they’re just tall tales.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

 Sam sighed as if he were trying to expel anything, everything negative. The hunter moved closer and burrowed his head into the trickster’s chest _(trickster, the trickster, for he wasn’t sure if he even had a name anymore)._

 

 “If you were one, what kind of monster do you think you’d be?”

 

 Silence, heavy silence fell.

 

“A demon,” Sam whispered, barely loud enough to be heard. “I’d be a demon.”

 

 At that moment, he realized that that had been the wrong question. The heartbreak in the boy’s voice, that made him feel something. It made him feel like a filthy liar, like a traitor. Sam trusted him, and he was hiding something, everything from him.

 

 “I think I’d be a trickster.”

 

 That worked, that earned him a laugh _(he didn’t deserve it, not in the slightest, but oh how he loved it)_. “A trickster? Are those even real?”

 

 “Yeah, Loki’s considered one, right?”

 

“How do you even know this stuff?” There was no way for him to form a proper response, not with Sam kissing his neck like that, and Sam damn well knew that.

 

 “I like stories, what can I say?”

 

“You can say my name again, if you’d like.” That shit-eating grin, that was the one he wanted to keep, make it his.

 

 He did say Sam’s name again. In fact, it was almost the only thing he said for the rest of the night, before they fell asleep holding each other, warm and sated.

 

  _I’d like to keep this._

 

__________

 

 It was difficult, teaching a hunter a lesson.

 

 Gabriel had never forgotten the look of betrayal, realization, and hurt on Sam’s face when he found out who he really was. It was something he held on to when he was ready to do something especially cruel. He thought of the puppy-dog looking kid that he still carried in his heart for some reason.

 

 The day he found out that he was only alive because his idiotic brother had sold his soul to bring him back was the day he went out and made people pay. There were no second thoughts on that day, just pure rage at knowing that in exactly one year, Dean would die and Sam would fall apart. That day was the day where he hatched up the stupidest fucking plan known to mankind and then some.

 

 They stopped at a mystery spot, on a hunt that didn’t exist. A hunt that really consisted of him trying to help Sam in the future. It didn’t work.

 

 With each day that passed, with each day that Dean died, Gabriel regretted what he was doing and hated himself a little bit more for it. The look on Sam’s face, the helpless cries for his brother to come back, for this to stop happening, it made him want to stop. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t watch Sam fall apart after that year, that damn year.

 

 But it didn’t stop. Sam didn’t get any better, if anything, he got worse. So Gabriel let himself be caught, gave him his wish. It was Wednesday, and he had his brother back for less than an hour.

 

 Again, his plan didn’t work. Sam became a machine, doing everything he could to find Gabriel, to get Dean back and kill him. It hurt him to not swoop in and apologize, wipe his memory and pretend nothing had ever happened. To go back to being that boring janitor that Sam had seemed to be enchanted with. But he couldn’t, he didn’t.

 

 He couldn’t, for he saw too much of himself in Sam. He saw the boy who would do anything for his brother, the one who would give anything for him. The boy who would be destroyed if anything were to happen to his family, specifically his brother. Gabriel knew that, he knew what it was to lose everything and everyone, but he was the one that hid. He was the one that couldn’t take it, couldn’t see his family destroy themselves.

 

 There came a point where he gave up and showed himself. He wasn’t sure what hurt more, seeing what he’d turned Sam into, or getting a glimpse of what looked like longing. All his expectations were dismantled, there were no immediate acts to kill him.

 

 No, there were tearful pleas, begging for his brother back.

 

 He couldn’t say no. Before he reset the day, in the split second before the hunter lost consciousness, Gabriel couldn’t help but place a feather-light kiss on his cheek, followed by a whispered “I’m so sorry, Sammy”.

 

  _I fucked this up_

__________

 

 It was difficult, explaining who you were to a hunter.

 

 Dean had been angry, and rightfully so. Gabriel thanked his usually not so lucky stars for him having had enough mercy to free him from the circle of fire.

 

 Sam walked back into the warehouse milliseconds before he’d flown away.

 

“You’re an angel.”

 

 Gabriel had nearly jumped right out of his skin, though he’d never admit it. He’d never admit that he was not just surprised, but thankful, maybe even happy that Sam had come back.

 

 “No, I’m an _archangel._ I’m better, duh.”

 

“Does being an archangel give you the power to be a massive douchebag, or is that just you?”

 

 “Hate to break it to ya, Sammy, but I think I might be the least douchey of all the archangels.”

 

 Neither of them knew what to say after that, really. There was too much unspoken, too much that had happened and hurt. It was his fault and he knew it.

 

 “I’m sorry.”

 

“You killed my brother.”

 

 Gabriel hissed through his teeth and winced, knowing damn well that he’d done that and nearly broken the hunter.

 

 “I know.”

 

“I didn’t know who I wanted to kill more. You or myself.”

 

  _You did this to him. You almost drove him to suicide. You almost killed him._

 

 He couldn’t say anything, what the hell are you supposed to say to that? Gabriel had never been one for sincere words, never been one for heart to hearts. So instead of that, instead of not being a coward, he stepped forward carefully and placed a soft kiss on Sam’s chin.

 

 “Y’know, I can’t reach any higher than that if you don’t bend down a little.”

 

 Sam knew what he was saying, because he was completely right when he’d thought that they were similar. Gabriel may have been wordier when it came to hiding emotions, but Sam wasn’t always sure how to voice his feelings either. They both tried, they both said what they needed to say, but they followed through with their actions.

 

 Sam knew what he was saying, and finally, he didn’t hesitate to sweep Gabriel up off of his feet.

 

“I forgive you. I forgave you,” It’d been years, but Sam still knew exactly how to kiss Gabriel, exactly how to wind him up, how to make him feel like something that was worth it. “I get what you wanted to do. You fucked it up, but I know you tried.”

 

 “I did,” Gabriel breathed between kisses, breaking for air when Sam needed to. He damn well didn’t need it, but if his hunter needed it to live, then he’d gladly give him all the air in the world. “But I hurt you and I’m sorry.”

 

“Shut up and snap us somewhere comfortable and alone.”

 

 He’d never snapped his fingers as quickly as he did at that moment.

 

_Thank heavens for this._

 

__________

 

 It was difficult, falling in love with a hunter.

 

 The apocalypse was happening, and it sucked. That might have been a massive deterrent for most, but not for him. He flitted about, popping in whenever Sam was alone or had some spare time. If he didn’t, then he’d make some damn time.

 

 It was never just about the sex, it was about the closeness, about that look they both had in their eyes. It was about how they felt like they were each other’s escape, their safe place. Sam was his light in a dark place, and he’d make sure that nothing would ever happen to him.

 

 He’d known that Sam was Lucifer’s vessel, the issue was that he didn’t particularly care. There came a point where Gabriel had decided that Sam was his. Anyone who wanted to say otherwise would have to go through him, and he would unleash his fury on them, an angel raining hell down upon his enemy.

 

 Gabriel knew he’d fallen in love at the worst possible time with the worst possible person, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. If he would have skipped town the second he’d seen him all those years ago back in Crawford Hall, maybe they wouldn’t be in this situation. But he had no regrets. Every time he managed to coax a smile out of Sam was worth it all. Every time he managed to shield him from something that could break him, he knew that it was worth it. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to keep Sam from being broken. He’d seen too much, more than enough already, he didn’t need anymore. Gabriel would protect him from as much as he could.

 

 “I love you.”

 

 Sam would get up and walk away, he knew that much. But it was the end of the world. There was no such thing as leaving things unsaid, not anymore.

 

“I love you too, Gabriel.”

 

 Oh, how his heart soared! Higher than his wings would ever take him, higher than his Father had ever created. Higher than the highest highs on high. He could feel Sam’s smile growing as he pressed a kiss to Gabriel’s head, moving on to press their lips together to better convey his feelings. Words, Gabriel wasn’t good with. Actions he could do. Actions, those he could hold onto and remember forever.

 

 They fell asleep curled up together on a shitty motel room bed, whispering I Love You's into the wee hours of the morning. It never got old, never got redundant. Gabriel would never tire of hearing those words on his lover’s lips.

 

  _This is mine, I get to keep this._

 

__________

 

   It wasn’t difficult, dying for his hunter.

 

 Suicide missions were never a good thing, worse when Sam and his dumbass brother decided to go on one. Well, they hadn’t decided to, but the damn idiots still managed to get themselves roped into one.

 

 Gabriel didn’t give a damn what happened to Dean, he truly didn’t. If it weren’t for Sam, he would have left him for dead. But Sam was there, so the only thing he could do was snap him away to buy him some time with Sam, just a little.

 

 “You’re going to keep your stupid ass safe, alright?”

 

“Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

 

 “I’m talking about you and your damn safety, Sam!” He never meant to yell, both of them knew that. His cracking voice gave him away, his desperation, how scared he was. “You’re going to keep yourself safe, and you’re not going to do any dumb shit. Tell me that.”

 

“Stop talking like that, we’re going to kill him, we’re going to kill Lucifer! We’re going to be okay, Gabriel.”

 

 “You’re not going to say yes to him. Promise me you’ll never say yes, please Sammy. I need to know that, I need to hear it from you.”

 

“I swear to you, I won’t say yes. I won’t give him the satisfaction,” Sam was worried, so worried, giving him those eyes. Gabriel wanted to melt, to let himself melt into Sam’s arms and pretend this wasn’t happening, pretend everything was alright and the world wasn’t ending and he wasn’t walking straight to his death. “Don’t do whatever you’re thinking of doing, Gabriel. Don’t you dare leave me. Promise me you won’t, promise me that.”

 

 “I love you so much, Sammy.” He knew he was crying, but he didn’t give a damn.

 

“I love you too, Gabriel,” One more kiss, one that he could live off of, one that would keep him alive for the little time he had left. “Promise me that you won’t leave me.”

 

 “I promise that I’ll be there with you ‘til the day I die.”

 

 Any response he was going to get was cut off the moment he pressed his lips to Sam’s, willing him to sleep. As he went limp in his arms, Gabriel yanked the car door open, gently putting Sam inside.

 

“What the hell was that?! Satan’s doing a meet and greet inside and you drop me in the middle of fuckin’ nowhere?”

 

 “Shut the hell up and leave before Sam wakes up.”

 

 Gabriel and Dean may have hated each other, but they both agreed on one thing. Both of them existed solely to keep Sam safe and alive.

 

“Where are you goin’?”

 

 “I’m going to go have a talk with my big brother.”

 

 Understanding dawned on the older Winchester’s face. “Thanks. For knocking Sam out, too.”

 

 “Yeah, no problem.”

 

 Leaning down, he pressed one last kiss to Sam’s lips, resting their foreheads together.

 

 “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

 

 The car engine revved as Gabriel stuffed something into Sam’s pocket and slammed the door shut a bit harder than necessary, just to piss Dean off one more time.

 

 “Hey, do me a favor,” He knew Dean would rather do anything but that, yet he still had to try. “Tell Sam I love him. And to check his pockets.”

 

“Will do.”

 

 “Seeya, douchebag.”

 

 Gabriel turned around and walked towards the hotel, refusing to let himself look back at the retreating car. It wasn’t difficult dying for his hunter, he thought, but leaving him was. Leaving him felt like a betrayal, it felt like a heartbreak. It _was_ a heartbreak, for both him and his hunter. It felt like a betrayal, for his hunter’s heart would be the one to continue beating. Yes, it was difficult leaving his hunter.

 

 Talking to his brother had never gone well. It went even worse this time, ending with a blade buried in his chest. As he felt the life drain from his body, the last thing he thought of was the first moment he saw his hunter, the moment he’d walked into his life.

 

  _I loved this, loved him. I am so thankful I could keep this._

 

__________

 

 It was heartbreaking, soul-crushing, losing your angel.

 

 The day ended with he and Dean in separate motel rooms, Sam contemplating how to explain the fist-shaped hole in the concrete wall to housekeeping, Dean getting his broken nose healed by Cas. He wished that Cas hadn’t healed his hands. Pain kept him distracted, even if it was the pain of broken fingers.  

 

“Dean said to tell you that Gabriel left you a message.”

 

 Sam didn’t bother with an answer, just clenched his fists a bit tighter at the mention of the name.

 

“Gabriel said that he loved you,” A choked noise clawed its way out of him. “And to check your pockets.”

 

 Just like that, Cas was gone.

 

 Tearing his jacket off, Sam frantically rooted around in each of the pockets, desperate to find it, whatever Gabriel had left.

 

 It was a note. A small, bright pink sticky note with only four lines. Sam fell asleep, reading it over and over again until his eyes couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t make tears and couldn’t stay awake. Sam fell asleep and silently wished he wouldn’t wake up.

 

  _thank you for letting me have this_

_thank you for letting me keep this_

_thank you for letting me keep you_

_i love you._

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was a fic. Not my favorite, but it's a fic. It was still fun to write, and that's what counts!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed it! Please comment feedback, it helps keep me motivated and helps me know what you guys do and don't like!
> 
> Follow me on Instagram at @archangelica_angelica or on tumblr at innersanctuaries if you want to get in touch or just to watch me shitpost!


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